It’s easy to think you own your hearing loss, that you’re the only one affected, the only one who struggles, the only one who dislikes gathering with friends because it’s too much work. Research1, 2, 4, 5, 6 has shown the people around you are affected deeply by your hearing loss in ways you might not imagine.
The impact of untreated hearing loss on spouse or partner relationships has been documented over numerous studies1, 2, 4, 5, 6 worldwide. For those closest to the person with hearing loss, the World Health Organization has recognized their status as a third-party disability due to the physical and mental health impacts of being close to a person with untreated hearing loss.
The spouse or partner experiences many of the intense feelings the person with hearing loss experiences. Isolation, depression, aggravation, embarrassment, frustration—all are felt by the spouse or partner in response to the hearing loss and the actions they must take to overcome how the hearing loss is affecting their relationship.
In an oft-quoted survey3 by the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), almost half the respondents self-reported relationship breakdown due to their hearing loss. Conflict, separation, and the decision to divorce can all be influenced by untreated hearing loss.
In other studies2, 5, the effect of untreated hearing loss on a spouse or partner shows up in almost every aspect of life. Conversations are a challenge. Isolation starts to settle in. There’s conflict from having to repeat things and because tasks were missed because the request wasn’t heard. Satisfaction with the relationship, perhaps on both sides, declines.
In the same survey by AARP mentioned above, about a third of the respondents reported untreated hearing loss as the reason for losing touch with family members and friends. While other family members and friends don’t have the same constant relationship as spouses and partners, they each do have to deal with unfulfilled commitments because the request wasn’t heard correctly, having to shout to be heard in public places, repeating conversations, and more. Furthermore, family members and friends may not be as invested in the relationship as a spouse or partner, which can accelerate the breakdown of the relationship.
When the topic of hearing loss is brought up to those exhibiting symptoms—the TV is too loud, frequently asking to repeat what’s said, mistaking what was heard—many people make excuses for their behavior. “People are mumbling,” or “The audio on the TV isn’t good.”
Families, friends, and hearing care professionals have likely all heard: “I don’t need a hearing test. I’m managing just fine.” But are they? Are they really? Or is it instead that their friends and family are compensating for them, enabling them to ignore their hearing loss?
Friends and family pretending there’s no hearing loss, translating conversations, making excuses for mistakes in conversation, are all allowing the person with hearing loss to live with the misconception that they’re managing ‘just fine.’
By being the ears for the person with hearing loss, it’s easier for friends and family to convince themselves their loved one doesn’t need a hearing test.
What would happen if the person with hearing loss experienced an undisguised view of their life?
In some relationships, just trying to talk about hearing loss can cause conflict. Conflict can create a desire to avoid mentioning it and make the enabling feel like less work.
Start the conversation from a place of caring, not a place of accusation. Move it away from, “You’re going deaf!” Start when things are calm and relaxed, not when there’s already heat in the air:
Because hearing loss happens to most people over time rather than all of a sudden, they truly may not realize something has changed. Going into the conversation gently may help.
Remember, you can’t take responsibility for someone else’s hearing loss, but you can take responsibility for how you enable them to continue to ignore it. Untreated hearing loss has been associated with cognitive decline, a greater risk of a serious fall, increased chance of depression developing, and more. It’s not just getting them hearing again, it’s changing their life and maybe their future.
1. Anderson, D.l. and Noble, W. Couples attributions about behaviours modulated by hearing impairments: Links with relationship satisfaction. Int J Audiol. 2005 Apr.
2. Bridget Shield, Hearing Loss – Numbers and Costs, Evaluation of the Social and Economic Costs of Hearing Impairment. A report for Hear-It AISBL. 2019
3. Geraci, J. (2011). AARP/American Speech-Language-Hearing Association (ASHA), National Poll on Hearing Health Results Summary. Crux Research.
4. Kamil RJ, Lin FR. The effects of hearing impairment in older adults on communication partners: a systematic review. J Am Acad Audiol. 2015 Feb;26(2):155-82. doi: 10.3766/jaaa.26.2.6. PMID: 25690776.
5. Melissa Echalier. In it together: The impact of hearing loss on personal relationships.
6. Scarinci N, Worrall L, Hickson L. The effect of hearing impairment in older people on the spouse. Int J Audiol. 2008 Mar;47(3):141-51. doi: 10.1080/14992020701689696. PMID: 18307094.
Wendy Beth Moore is an author, researcher, and journalist with a special interest in hearing loss and the bigger health care picture surrounding it. She’s a speaker and trainer on interpersonal communication and has been recognized with 38 international awards for creativity and innovation in marketing communications.
